2009

sorry i haven't been on. i've been on tumblr a lot lately. and i barely use the computer anymore.

well new years coming up and i want a lot of changes. like A LOT ! my new years resolutions last year were all fails. i hope it doesnt happen again this year. wow, i feel like the year just started. and its already ending. i would like to reflect on what happened this year but there's just too much crap, i don't really want to think of it. whatever, i'm just going to pretend like this year didn't happen. haha

i'm really really REALLY scared for my future. like everything's moving so fast. i hope that i'll be okay.

but,

I used to care a lot about what people thought of me. Then I learned I definitely can’t please everyone. Some people will like you & some people will hate you but I don’t really care either way, I’m not losing sleep over it.

maybe it wasn't good enough, but i gave you my all.

this

"there's a big fuckin world out there.

it's messy and chaotic

and it's never ever the thing you'd expect.

it's okay to be scared

but you can't allow your fears to turn you into an asshole

not when it comes to the people who love you

...the people who need you"

meet ben :)

i absolutely love him <3

away, we go.

busy, busy busy. HA ! not really. all i do is sleep. it's really bad, because now i have this big pile of work that needs to be done, and a whole bunch of grades that need to be raised. oh wells. i got a new phone. hell to the mothereffin yes ! i got like a giant upgrade. i went from a crappy razr to the google phone. WEE ! i'm still getting used to the touch screen and like the internet and stuff, but i love it. good things come when you wait, i guess.

i feel like crap. i really do. i'm so sick of my life. there's so much drama. i just want to get away. i will, eventually.

motherfucker.

why do i care so much ? i mean, i know i shouldn't. but i do. and you will never know the effect you had on me. so i guess this is it. i wish things could've been different. goodbye. i love you.

my life.

I almost always mess up. 
I fall too easily in love. 
I cry over boys. 
I'm not the prettiest girl you can find. 
I think makeup can hide what I dont want people to see. 
I talk way too much.
I laugh at the stupidest things.
But the thing that gets me most is that I let people affect me
When really, they mean nothing at all to me.

yepp, that pretty much sums it all up. 

honestly,

i absolutely love the way things are right now. my life has been the happiest it's been since a long time ago. sure, i still have little issues with certain things, and school is kind of stressful. but i feel as if i'm finally enjoying this so called life of mine.

i realize that being sad or miserable or mad over stupid things is really pointless. so i just don't care anymore. i don't care about stupid people who complicate my life. i don't care about dumb jerks who do stupid things and hurt me along the way. and i just don't care about people who don't care about me. why waste my emotions on people who don't appreciate it ? so peace out, and just stay the fuck away from me. i dont need you or your bullshit.

BOINNGGGG !

will smith is hilarious. we need more people in this world like him. he can make my day, ANY day.

anyways, lifee.. what about it ? its alright, i guess. i've been busy but ehh. can't complain. i'm getting better at it. i finally decided what i want to do. it may change, but as of right now, its what i want.

i need to make some changes. i'm tired of the way things are. so sick and tired of everything !

superman

i will be there to take care of you

i will be there when you cry, babe

i will be there when you need someone

to tell you that you're beautiful, baby

i will be there when you need someone to run with

i will be there when you need someone to dance with

i'm your lover when the skies turn grey

everyday, till its beautiful ...

schooool !

... is so gay. haha. well the first day was just terrible. it was hot and dry and my classes are so fuckin far from each other. and i was just pissed off the whole day. i think it was cause i only had three hours of sleep the night before or maybe cause i saw some ugly bitches in the morning. well whatever it was, i was just really angry. a lot of awkward things happened, and a lot of random things happened, and not so many good things happened. whatever. i survived.

today was alright. a lot better than the day before. it was still hot but i was just in a better mood. i hung out with some new people today. it was really fun. i had a good time.

i have so much homework already. oh well, thank goodness for the three day weekend. i'm kind of glad that i have work to do though. i have a feeling i'm going to be busy this year =/


 p.s. i don't get jealous of ugly people. sorry. 

pondering.

fireeee.

school was supposed to start on monday but due to the fire, its been postponed till thursday. i'm happy about not having school for a couple extra days, but i really am sad about the fire. it's getting closer, so i hear. i hope it doesnt get here. it's been very hot and dry and all i've been doing is reading and taking notes. i'm glad to say that i'm almost done. i think i can finish today though and enjoy not doing anything tomorrow. i was kind of was excited about school, but it'll start eventually, so its all good.


i went to disneyland on friday. it was fun. there were no lines for anything. it was crazy. fantasmic was amazing. i stood there watching the show and saw the princesses dancing with their princes. it was really cute, but it made me sad. when will my prince come ? oh well, i'll just wait for him patiently.. haha







then on saturday i went to an angels baseball game. it was fun. it was my first baseball game. we got free tickets, good seats, the food was expensive but the hotdogs were pretty bomb. overall, i had fun.





the last weekend of summer was pretty good. it was probably the ONLY good weekend of summer. whatever, i'll take what i can get. hope next summer is a lot better though.

<3

"go after her. fuck, don't sit there and wait for her to call. go after her because that's what you should do if you love someone. don't wait for them to give you sign `cause it might never come. don't let people happen to you, don't let me happen to you, or her, she not a fucking television show or tornado. there are people i might have loved had they gotten on the airplane or run down the street after me or called me up drunk at four in the morning because they need to tell me right now and because they cannot regret this and i always thought i'd be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never give enough of a fuck to do it back or act like idiots or be entirely vulnerable and honest and making someone fall in love with you is easy and flying 3000 miles on four days notice because you can't just sit there and do nothing and breathe into telephones is not everyone's idea of love. but it is the way i can recognize it because that is what i do. go scream it and be with her in meaningful ways because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is. that is raw and that is unguarded and that is all that is worth anything, really."

it's complicated and confusing and some parts of it doesn't make sense. but the overall meaning of it is sweet and true. and that's what love is.

crap.

so today was registration and i got my schedule. ehh. i like it. but im pretty sure they're going to change it again. there's less than a week left before school and im like screwed ! i have so much homework to do. shit. after i got my schedule, mabelle hooked us with a WHOLE box of pizza ! lol. me and sarah took "wannabe" pictures. lol. we took beezy, ghetto and scene pictures. they're pretty funny.

im excited for school, but not really. theres going to be so much that's going to be different and im kind of scared. i feel like im starting high school for the first time. honestly, im REALLY scared.

as lame and boring and gay and stupid this summer was. i think that its been the most life changing one. i really dont know what it was about this summer, but i realized that i've changed. i hope its for the better.

ohhh. i watched the time traveler's wife a couple days ago. its pretty good. its a great romance movie. you should watch it with your significant other... or whoever. lol. either way, im sure you'll like it.

I HATE YOUUUU !

i REALLY do.
i hope you have miserable life, asshole !
cause you made mine hell.

lameee

so today, me and sarah met up with bryan and paulo at the americana and we pretty much just made videos all day. we look stupid and retarded in these videos. but hey, we had fun (:



theres more at www.youtube.com/user/janelleeex3
hahaha. we are so stupid !

and we saw the kogi truck ! haha. we wanted to eat but the line was freakin long. and we had to leave already. lol





anyways, i dont know. drama, drama, drama. i feel like the whole world is against me right now. man. this sucks. but i just gotta keep going. let's see what happens next.

hello,

well all i really want to do is love you
a kind much closer than friends use
...

and i will find a way to you if it kills me

OUCHHH !

damn, things are not going so well for me right now. i mean yeah, my life has never been perfect but i dont think i've ever felt this horrible before. well it started about a month ago. people do things without realizing that its hurting someone else. i dont think they were doing it intentionally, but it was pretty obvious that it was stupid. i guess its my fault for never saying anything about it, but i was just kind of hoping that they'd know what they were doing was wrong without me having to mention it. but i guess they never noticed and everyday, it just kept getting worse. well there's nothing i can do about it now, i guess =/

today, i found out some interesting news. damn, i dont want to say names. but like it hurts how i really thought these people were my friends and they backstabbed me just like that. i still cant believe what they did to me. great friends they turned out to be.

life at home sucks too. i'm like a slave here. today my mom woke me up at nine o`clock to do the dishes. dishes that HER guests ate from last night! i just keep getting yelled at and lectured. i hate being home. but its not like they let me out.

there was an ashley tisdale concert at the americana. i'm so damn short. i was being squished and dude, some people really need to take showers or buy deoderant cause they freakin STANK ! afterwards, i hung out with bryan, baby martin, julian, pow, sarah, yvonne, francis, julian's brother and martin's cousin. well for like a little bit. it was fun. i miss them.



ohhh. and seth bailey hooked me up with some tollhouse cookies and ice cream. thanks seth :)



i hope life gets better soon.. its not like it can get worse. the people closest to your heart are the people who can really hurt you the most. i just wish that they didnt do all at the same time. just smile and act like everythings okay. it will be, eventually.

so trueee

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." -marilyn monroe

oh, its there.

so july is almost over. two months of summer down the drain. what have i really done this whole month ? uhh... NOTHING ! sleep, eat, myspace, tv, and repeat. haha. i went to the mall several times, but thats pretty boring too. especially when you don't have money. i need a fuckin job or at least an allowance !

i went to tiffany's sweet sixteen on sunday. it was pretty fun. me, julio, and sarah decided to walk on the golf course at night cause we werent wusses, like SOME people. oh, they know who they are ;p then kandice and alexis came but alexis was
scared that we were going to get arrested.



then the day after, i went to a taping with drill team. well like a couple old members and a whole bunch of new members. it was kind of awkward cause vag didnt know that i quit and was like "how can you be a guest if you're on the team ?" then we all just kind of stared at him and i was like "i'm not on the team anymore..." then vag was like "who's going to be my music assistant now?" OMGGGG :( that made me so sad ! haha. but the taping was fuckin boring and i sat away from everyone else cause there werent enough seats. i sat next to this random ass guy. after the taping, me, bryan, and sarah went to the mall.


yesterday, i went to kandice's house. james, julio, phien, and sarah were there. we just watched tv and stuff. i kept laughing for like the stupidest reasons. idk. i thin i was just really bored. then me, sarah, and julio went to starbucks, then the habit and sat there for like three hours telling random stories. dude, i luaghed so much. i don't think i laughed that much all summer. it was fun.

two ayy em`

i cant sleep early anymore. idontknow! ahh. and i wake up fuckin early too. WTF ? i'd think that i'd be tired but i'm actually not. i think there's something wrong with me.

but everything's been pretty good lately. thats good to know, right ?
yeppp.

my summer's just gay. but the past two days were an improvement. i hope it keeps getting better.

insane in the membrane

there's so much bullshit in this world ! how could some people be so stupid and create such giant messes ? and how can others be so naive and be so blind of whats in front of them? i'm the naive one. AH ! why ?

whatever.

i miss

that team. well i miss my friends. i miss dancing. but i think what i did was for the best. i have so many problems in my life right now, i'm kind of glad that THAT isn't one of them. first semester of summer school is over. i think i might TA sometimes for second semester. i have nothing else to do.

why does everything have to be so complicated ? asdfjk;

SUMMER

is so lame ! hmm. three weeks gone.
what now ?

i'm kind of lost now.

summertime

school ended. but it doesnt feel like summer. the excitement i usually feel on the last day of school wasn't there for me. idk. maybe cause it was finals. but it still feels like there's school. agh.. and it was like fuckin cold yesterday -__-

i hope i have a good summer. last year's summer was horrible ! i'm kind of sad that its the end of the year. i should be happy. but.. i really don't know.

brownies.

you know what i just realized ? i only blog when i'm depressed. actually, the only time i ever really think about my blogspot is when i'm depressed. hm. i'm not really depressed at the moment though, just kind of sad. well i'm like sad and mad and a little bit happy. aha. well there's a lot to be sad about, some things to be happy about, and theres only really one reason why i'm mad. but yeah whatever.

i can't wait till summer starts. well actually i can. i just want school to end. i think that glendale high is like the only school not on summer vacation yet. wtf ? this sucks. and its finals so fuck ! at least its finally getting hot. oh beach this saturday. woohoo ! i kind of don't feel like going anymore though. i mean like i want to go to meet the cerritos people but i don't want to because its the day after the last day of school, so i kind of just want to like rest that day. whatever, i'll see what happens.

i woke up at like 3:50 this morning to make brownies. aha. its in the oven right now. it is like almost 5. i'm sleepy but i dont want to go back to sleep. i kind of want mcdonalds for breakfast. maybe i'll get some if i get ready early enough. ohh. today's krizole's graduation too. hmm. i wanted to go, but i cant cause i still have school...

just checked on my brownies. and they're done. yay. anyways. i think i'm going to take a shower now. or maybe not.. its only five -__-

i dont know what to do!

OMG. this is probably one of the hardest decisions i will ever have to make. i'm so confused. i seriously can't think of anything else right now except for this stupid shit. and when i do think of something else, it just makes everything worst ! OMGGG. i'm about scream. why does it have to be so complicated. i need help. asdfjk;

everytime i THINK i've made up my mind something always comes in the way. and i appreciate everyone who has listened and given me advice, but i think it all comes down to what i have to do and what i think is right. FUCK ! but i don't know what RIGHT is. i really don't know anything right now.

FUCKKKKKK !

i hate being sick -__-
i feel like i'm dying.

the revue was okay btw.
idk. not as a good as last year. but it was okay.

summer in two weeks ! yay.
omg. i dont know what to do.
i'm so confused.

back !

so i'm in glendale. dude my pilot was really fast. and he sounded drunk. the plane was shakey and i was about to have a heart attack. it was scary ! ahaha. whatever. at least i'm home now. ohh. at the airport, this lady was about to take my luggage. aha. that wouldve sucked !

man. i have so much crap to do ! i have to make my outfits for the revue that is in a couple days, make up like three days of work for five classes. mother effer !

its three in the morning and i just finished my outline for my english essay -__-
i would go back to sleep but i have to clean my room and be at school by 5:50 ! ahhh.

oregon

i'm going shopping today. yay ! no tax.

the wedding was fun yesterday. i loved the dj. he was so funny.
i miss glendale though :(

i dont know.

me sarah and marcelle went to the mall on friday and saw the cutest guyy. OMGGG ! ahaha. he was so cute. and we just stared at him. we shouldve went and talked to him or something cause he was by himself. ahh. whatever. maybe next time. aha.

yesterday's practice was actually fun. i was more energetic because we didnt spend forever on one thing so i wasn't tired.

it is 7:25 in the morning. what am i doing up ? i havent been getting enough sleep. well yeahh i have. but im still so tired. ahh ! okay. i'm going to go now. bye.

its hard.

today was actually a good day. i actually woke up early. made myself a sandwich, packed california rolls, oreos, arizona, water and coffee. aha. i was ready for the cst's man. well not knowledge wise, but snack wise, i was. lol. then i went to zero. yes. i actually went to zero period today. aha. we did a run through. then the sophomores and juniors went to a different room to do our cst. it was history today. it was pretty okay. i thought it'd be harder but i actually knew what it was talking about. after that, we went back to the dance room and did more run throughs. then it was lunch. then third period. it was okay.. aha. fifth period was okay too.

practice after school was okay. we're learning the finale. we didnt do much, we just set formations and did the first sections. its so hard =/

i was having a pretty okay day. thats actually a good day compared to my days the past couple of weeks. but for some reason, everytime i come home, something just has to ruin my fun. i encountered something today on the internet and it really hurt when i saw it. awhh. its okay. i'm going to be fine. i hope...

better

balance. well i finally have it. things at home are pretty good. my friends are great. but school. ehh. not such a great topic. i really have to raise my grades. its going to be hard, but not impossible. right ?! ahh !

there's so many exciting things coming up. there's oregon, then manong bj & ateh anna's wedding, then revue (buy tickets from me!), then the end of the school year, summer. ahh. can't wait. no more school :]

hmm. i really don't know how to put my emotions into words right now. its weird. i'm happy in some ways but disappointed and upset in others. and i wish i could just let it all out but i dont know how i can. i guess the truth does hurt sometimes and i can't handle it. unless... the truth i think i know isnt really the truth. what if its a lie to cover up the real truth ? did that make sense ? whatever. i'm lost in my own life. there's just too much going on. i try to take other people's advices, but its really hard when my emotions have a mind of its own. i really am trying to stop this insanity but its just not working. someday i wont feel this way. one day it'll be okay. when will that day come ?

yupp

lately, i've noticed that everytime i say something negative about my life, i would end it with "but its okay" even when its not. its become a habit. i'm not sure if its a good habit or a bad habit. i think i say it because i need assurance that things will be okay but maybe i'm just fooling myself when that because things really aren't okay but i'm forcing myself to pretend like it is. well hopefully, things will be okay.

i had this horrible headache today. but its gone, and i feel so much better.

justin timberlake is soo funny. where did sexy go ?

oh goodess.

hm. i seriously think that i have something wrong with me. i cant stay awake past 10 anymore. i try to stay awake so that i can do my homework. but i just cant. then i wake up late too. and on top of that, i fall asleep in class. what the hell is wrong with me ? maybe its cause i've missed so much sleep that my body just shuts down automatically. aghh. i dont know. at least i'm getting sleep :)

so i've realized thats its actually really easy to make me happy. this morning i got a text from my friend saying goodmorning and it just made my day. aha. i like knowing that people care. i get happy over the littlest things. like when someone just says hi or when someone says something nice. it always brings a smile on my face, no matter how horrible my day was. i've also realized that a lot of people are fake. they'll act really nice around me, but the second they turn their back, they have something to say. i'd rather have people be an asshole to me than have them be two faced. i want to know who my real friends are rather than everyone acting like someone their not. but whatever. i reread some of the things i blogged about, and i can be a really deep person. aha. i'm only deep when i'm all emotional though.

anyways, today .. nothing exciting. school. then practice with the newbies. awhh. some of them are really cute and remind me of me when i first joined. all quiet and shy. they'll eventually be loud and abnoxious. aha. cant wait for 0910 !

holaaa.

yupp. so life is strange. it has ups and downs. mostly downs. but i guess that's what makes the ups feel even better. yesterday we had to take pictures of our competition squads. i forgot how hard it was to put those damn costumes on. aha. OMGG. it was so awkward having to walk around school in our costume and make up. aha. everyone was all staring. but whatever. then there was school. ew. nothing exciting. then practice. we learned erik's routine. its highschool musical ! yay. aha. we got to leave early. so i went with sarah to pick up stacy. then we ate at subway. they were going to stay at my house because they didnt have their key, but when we got to my house, no one was home, and i didnt have the key either. we stood outside my house for like 15 minutes trying to find a way in but nothing. luckily my parents came right before we were about to leave. then my mom took me and sarah to ross and tj maxx. i got two really cute sandals and a really cute purse. aha. yay ! well thats what happened yesterday.

today.. was nothing exciting either. idk. ahh. well. my life is pretty boring. i had practice and thats pretty much all. ahh. yeahh. as boring as my life is, its pretty good right now. i hope it lasts. oh. i did my nails last night. they look okay, but i want to fix them. maybe later. i'm really tired right now. the weather is so freakin wierd. last week it was all hot. but now its cold in the morning but hot later. idk what to wear and stuff. aghh. whatever. thats pretty much all. so bye.

asdfjk;

so i haven't written in a while so i have A LOT to say. well everything was going well for a while. my birthday was fun btw. then nationals came and that was okay. then we had like two weeks off. it was really good. idk. everything finally felt better. my grades were okay, things at home were okay, drill was okay, relationships were okay, then all of sudden everything comes falling down again. WTF ?!

i think it all started like yesterday. idk. i woke up at 4:30 to write my damn julius caesar essay that was due TWO weeks ago. my teacher let me turn it in late cause we were at nationals or whatever but i never did it. so i did it yesterday morning. and i was like half way done and my computer freezes ! i restarted it, hoping that it was saved but it wasnt. so i had to rewrite everything. i missed zero period cause of that. anyways then i get to school feeling better cause it was a minimum day but for some reason classes always feel longer on minimum days. aghh. i was excited though cause we were supposed to watch the hannah montana movie after school with my friends and sister. so that kept me going through the day. after school nareh tells me that she'll just meet me at the americana and sarah tells me that she can't go anymore cause she's grounded. so me, alexis and julia go on the bus. omg. the bus was soo fucking crowded and everyone was soo fuckin loud. that was the longest bus ride to the americana ever. anyways, we didnt really do anything. we went to the mall then rightaid then barnes and nobles. then alexis leaves. nareh says she's at burbank so she can't watch with me. after having to argue with my mom and sister, my mom finally decides to drop my sister off at the americana so we can watch the damn movie. but she adds another little girl for me to babysit. WTF ?! i can barely handle my sister. anyways luckily julia was still with me. the movie was really good. but julia had to leave afterwards so i was stuck with the two kiddos by myself. they said they wanted yogart so i bought them pinkberry and they complain that their stomachs hurt so they can't eat it. i was going insane. i called my mom to pick us up and in the car she was like lecturing me. akldsjf;

this spring break is starting off really horribly. why cant i have balance in life ? like when something bad happens, at least i have something good going on. but no. everything either has to be really good or just terrible. things can only get better right ?

aghhh. and boys suck ! wtf. do they purposely try to make me feel bad ? idk. i'm just really sensative lately, but damn, there's just so much crap for me to handle.

uhh...

well i've been getting better days lately. aside from not getting enough sleep, my life's getting better. lol. i didnt have practice on monday, wednesday and today. yay. aha. we just did drill downs during practice on tuesday. i won my first drill down and saved my rank from doing 64 killers. ahah. it was really funny watching everyone else do it. then yesterday, i went to the americana with jessica and alexis. it was okay. i bought this really cute shirt from forever 21. there were so many cute things, i wish i had more money. lol. i told them about my boy issues. and dude, alexis gives really good advice. idk. boys are really gay. OHH. i'm going to winter formal. yay. it was about to get cancelled cause no one was going so drill is being forced to go. i'm kind of excited cause its like my first dance. well. idk. i have to go now. i have to take my chemistry test for wigger during zero. agh. i'm scared. i don't understand anything in that class. i should really pay attention more. lol. well peace !

nanay mo.

glendale regionals are tomorrow and we've pretty much been setting up this WHOLE week ! everyday in zero, first and after school, all we did was paint posters. it's been pretty boring until today. today was soooo FUNNY. okay so today when i got to school i finished the one big poster that me and sarah started on tuesday. lol. it took us three freakin days to finish that thing. it turned out really cute though. we were excused from second and third period so i didnt really do anything. we watched all male and coed perform third period for the incoming freshmen. OHH. and the incoming freshmen looked at me like i was an alien or something. ahaha. i wonder if i did that when i was in eighth grade. anyways, i didnt feel like going to fourth or fifth period cause i didnt do my homework for those classes so i just stayed in the lower dance room. steph said that there was a lot of posters that needed to be done so i decided to make another big one. i went to get lunch with stephanie before the lunch bell rang so there wouldnt be a line. then i ate... lol. i convince sarah not to go to fifth cause i needed help with my poster. i'm such a bad influence. ahaha. we worked on the poster during fifth. stephanie was telling random jokes she was reading on her phone. lol. they were pretty funny. i went to sixth cause i didn't want to leave nareh by herself in math and cause i actually did the homework for that class. but you know what happened ? i apparently left it at home. agghh. but i copied someone's before mrs. arakelian checked mine. lol. after class, me and nareh went back to the dance room.

when we walked in there were popeye boxes everywhere. it turned out that sarah and the others went to popeyes during sixth. damn it! i shouldnt stayed, huh ? we finished the big poster. i was surprised it took us like a couple hours and not days. and this one was cute too. woohoo. my poster skills have been getting better. anyways, so i did other little posters while other people were like setting up the places. stephanie said taht they needed more big posters so i volunteered to make one. she said that they need to be really fast though. so i tried it. nareh found out that jessica wasn't filipino was all shocked. then we started talking about like race and stuff. nareh thought that "nanay mo" meant fuck you. and me, sarah, and martin made it like our new slogan. OMGGG. how funny. and nareh couldn't get over the fact that jessica wasn't filipino. i couldn't stop laughing. then we finished the big poster. and it only took us like 2 hours. and it actually wasnt that bad. before we left, hayley tried speaking tagalog too. and she's actually not that bad. she looks like the type of person that can learn like so many languages.

well anyways, today was a loooongggg day. woke up at 6 and stayed at school until ten. WOW. i'm so tired. i have to wake up at 5 tomorrow so i'm gonna go. peace.

just keep going.

worst competiton i've ever competed at. cried like a baby after. and it was valentines day :[

i went on with the rest of the day trying to forget what had just happened. i ate, i laughed, i watched some performances, and i tried to have fun. that wasnt a total fail. i DID have fun. i DID laugh. and i ate the best hotdog i've eaten in a long time. me and fiona also found the cutest asian boy. his name was like takahashi or something. he was so adorable. our goal is talk to him next competition. and we will. at the drill down i also got pretty far. i think i was like in the top 15. it was the farthest i've ever gone. i was so nervous i wasnt thinking. i could only hear my heart beating faster and louder with each command she gave. it's okay. next time i'm going to get farther.

the hardest things

i've heard many times that life was't easy and we have to work to get what we want. but what if you work and work and get no where ? what do you do then ? do you keep working or just give up ?

i've given everything i had and didnt have to something i thought would make me feel accomplished and something that i thought was worth it. but lately, i've been getting different opinions. i lost a lot because i thought that one day, i'm going to look back and say it was worth it. honestly, all i feel right now is regret. i hurt myself physically but kept going, pretending that i didnt feel anything and now all that pain is coming back through my emotions and it hurts sooo much more. its at the point where i have to force myself to smile, and be happy. sometimes, i sit and think and just want to break out in tears but i hold it back. i honestly don't think that anyone understands how bad i feel right now. some people are just handed and rewarded things that they don't deserve while others are practically killing themselves for the same position. i guess life just isnt fair that way. you know what i feel is the worst part ? when you see your friends and you know they feel bad for you. i don't want anyone to feel bad for me! i want them to look at me the same way they looked at me before this whole scenario happened. i want them to help me forget about it, not remember it even more. and sometimes i feel like they even talk about it behind my back. its just annoying.

so yeahh. life isnt fair and easy. and you don't always get what you want or deserve. but i'm going to keep moving forward and one day, i will get what i deserve. i will be happy. someday, everything will all work out. the hard part is now, and the future can only get better.